Psychological Manipulations Frequently Used by Predators on Women (According to Gavin De Becker)

“We think conscious thought is somehow better, when in fact, intuition is soaring flight compared to the plodding of logic. Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk. Then, intuition is catapulted to another level entirely, a height at which it can accurately be called graceful, even miraculous. Intuition is the journey from A to Z without stopping at any other letter along the way. It is knowing without knowing why.” “You are an animal of nature, fully endowed with hearing, sight, intellect, and dangerous defenses. You are not easy prey, so don’t act like you are.” - Gavin De Becker. INTUITION/GUT FEELING/THAT LITTLE VOICE: IT IS THERE TO PROTECT YOU- IT IS PURE INSTINCT- DO NOT TRY TO OVERCOME AND DISMISS IT! Animals operate on instinct, they do not question it like humans do. INTUITION IS KNOWING WITHOUT KNOWING WHY. Retention of knowledge is a skill- intuition is innate. Humans try to justify a feeling that seems “irrational” by saying “I’m being silly/paranoid/overreacting”. Intuition shows itself as a feeling rather than a concrete thought, Ex: “I just felt there was something off about him” “I can’t put my finger on it, but I just knew I had to get out of there”. More often than not you will hear “I knew I shouldn’t have gone with him.” “My gut told me not to but I ignored it.” We were all born with intuition, we condition ourselves to ignore it. DENIAL of intuition has never saved a life. PRE-INCIDENT BEHAVIORS/MANIPULATIONS These are manipulative tactics predators will use to try to convince you they are “nice guys”, trustworthy, and “safe”. According to Gavin De Becker, author of The Gift of Fear (highly recommended reading/listening): -Forced Teaming: This is when a person implies that he has something in common with his chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn't really true. Speaking in "we" terms is a mark of this, i.e. "We don't need to talk outside... Let's go in." Well looks like we missed the bus, what are we going to do?” “We don’t want to get stuck in the rain.” “We need to get this tire fixed.” -Charm and Niceness: This is being polite and friendly to a chosen victim in order to manipulate him or her by disarming their mistrust. Charm (even when it does not have malicious intent) is a purposefully chosen way of behaving to influence people’s perception. This is usually accompanied by an uneasy feeling you can’t quite put your finger on, and therefore tend to ignore dismissing yourself as being irrational, and he is “just trying to be nice”. You will hear this many times after the fact “He seemed so nice.” -Too many details: If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible to their chosen victim. “I can walk you home because my ride didn’t show up. My friend Danny is such a flake. My car is in the shop or else I would be driving myself- transmission went out, won’t be ready until Wednesday.” -Typecasting: An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult. For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me." The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult untrue. “You are way to pretty to be interested in me.” “I bet you think you are too strong to accept help from a man.” “I bet you wouldn’t even give a guy like me a smile.” -Loan Sharking: Giving unsolicited help to the chosen victim and anticipating they'll feel obliged to extend some reciprocal openness in return. Ex; taking grocery bags from you to “help” carry them even after you insist you are ok, lifting that heavy object in the parking lot even though you told him you’ve got it. -The Unsolicited Promise: A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. Unsolicited promises are designed to diminish uncertainty. For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave you alone after this," usually means the chosen victim will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually means the person intends to hurt their chosen victim. Other examples: “I am a nice guy, I promise.” “I will just help you to your car and then leave.” “I promise I’m not a bad guy.” “I will help you fix XYZ and then leave- promise.” -Discounting the Word "No": Refusing to accept rejection. A genuinely nice person with no ulterior motives who is in their right mind, thinking clearly, has no REASON to discredit, brush aside, and ignore your “NO”. A genuinely good guy is very aware that women tend to be wary of strangers and will not force himself into your situation when you have said “NO”. A guy who is focused on getting to his desired outcome is more concerned with inserting himself into your situation as an “in”, hence he ignores your “NO”. “WHEN A MAN SAYS NO IT IS THE END OF A DISCUSSION. WHEN A WOMAN SAYS NO IT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEGOTIATION.” -Gavin De Becker